The Art Of Moving On
One thing that will always vary from heartbreak to heartbreak is how someone moves on from it. There is no right or wrong way to do it because every single heartache is so unique. Attachment styles, depth of emotions, and intensity of the betrayal will all differ from one situation to another. Because of this, no one should, or could, ever tell you how to move on from something effectively.
Being in my 20s, I have had my fair share of heartbreak just like everyone else. I find myself defeated because I’m struggling to move on from something. I’ll feel like everyone around me is wondering why I’m still not over it. If I try to push myself past the hurt without processing it just to save face, somewhere down the line I will start hurting all over again because I never allowed myself to fully move on from it.
The truth of the matter is, there is no right or wrong way to move on. You have to take an impartial step back and try to access the damage done and find what’s needed to repair it.
The first true way of learning to move on is by knowing you are in charge of the process. When and how are completely on your terms. We give so much power of our closure to the other person, but we need to realize that we can move on with or without it. There is nothing the person can say or do that will completely heal us. Just like they say trust is like a piece of paper, I believe the way you love is similar. Once someone has crumbled it up, you will never get it perfect again.
It will always leave a scar on you and it will always be in the back of your mind. However, you get to choose when enough is enough. Just because it’s always going to be there, doesn’t mean it always has to hurt you. You have the power in yourself to move on. If you haven’t, you aren’t ready, and that’s okay!
You also need to accept the fact that hurting for a while isn’t weakening you. For so long, I thought of myself as a weak person if I hurt from something too long. Society tells you there is a certain amount of time you should take, and then after that point, you’re choosing just to wallow in it.
I don’t believe that.
I think forcing yourself to move on to meet certain expectations is what causes deeper and longer lasting issues. You need to mourn. Hurt for as long as you see fit. No one can tell you when it’s no longer acceptable, because it didn’t happen to them, it happened to you, and that’s what it comes down to in the end.
Feeling the hurt doesn’t weaken you, in fact, I think it can make you stronger. The more vulnerable you allow yourself to be, the more you learn. You’ll be able to take the next hurt and process it even better. If you find yourself constantly devastated by the end of all your relationships, you need to start allowing yourself to take time to hurt. You have to feel it, even let it consume you, only then, can you truly come out of it and move on fully. Any emotions shoved away will always come back, and it will hurt all over again.
If you would of asked me a year ago, I would of told you that the last and best way to move on is to forgive the person. I no longer believe this. Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry is a frustrating and emptying way to move on because it doesn’t actually help you, it only helps your opinion of them. It helps you soften your perception of what they did. This is the reason we run back to the people that hurt us because forgiving them let’s us forget the true heartbreak they caused.
What you need to actually do is forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for letting it mean so much. Forgive yourself for putting your heart in an open state and giving them the ability to hurt you. Forgive yourself for trusting them – Don’t forgive them, because in the end, apologies are weak and actions take time. When you forgive yourself, you free your own conscious from the fault you will no doubtably put on it eventually.
It mattered, it does matter, it might always matter, and that’s okay, because when it comes down to it, you’re going to be okay.
Moving on is hard to do. It’s what recycles the hurt and the anger if we don’t do it right the first time. Until you can figure out how to do it in a healthy way that fully allows you to recover, you will never move on. You have to choose it, you cannot force it. It’s okay to take time and hurt as long as you need. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
