The Difference Between A Passionate Relationship And A Toxic One
Toxicity and passion should be on complete opposite ends of the relationship spectrum, but too often, we confuse one with the other. Things can go from one extreme to the next incredibly fast when you have two sets of emotions at play.
Although, from the outside it’s pretty easy to identify when someone else is in a toxic relationship, it’s different when you’re the one actually in it. That’s when you need to dissect the actual foundation that the relationship is built on. Love is all anyone wants in life, which is why a toxic relationship can be extremely dangerous to your own well being and it’s so crucial for self-preservation to be able to identify one.
The toxic relationship I had that I confused for a passionate is probably very similar to other people’s experiences with them. You find someone who fills you with what you want to hear, they build you up on this pedestal that no one ever has before, and it’s almost like you are being worshipped. They express how well you should be treated, loved right, and taken care of, and that they want to be the one to do it.
Once you get to the highest point, they rip out the ground from beneath you and watch you fall. They can’t help but love the control they have over your emotional well being and the fact that only they can make you feel better. You defend them to yourself and others over and over. Their justifications become your reasoning to stay.
Whether it be you putting the blame on yourself – ‘If I just would of said something different to not upset them, or not done something I knew they wouldn’t like, then they wouldn’t of reacted that way. I should of known better.’ – or you simply accept the treatment because your self value is lacking and the love they balance you out with is so necessary for your survival that you turn a blind eye to keep yourself afloat.
We have all been there.
So how do we know when our relationship is one or the other? There are a few things I know about true love and that’s what I look at. When reading this, try not to read it with the perspective that we use to justify relationships that are actually toxic, and try to look at it from the outside.
Toxic Relationships
- The ‘Highs’ and ‘Lows’ are extreme.
When it’s good, it’s like a drug. It doesn’t get any better. You’ve never felt more confident in yourself and your relationship. You feel absolutely unstoppable.
The lows, however, are some of the darkest places you’ve ever been. It’s not just a feeling of sadness, but complete, unending despair that you are trapped in. You’ll see that they are there for the all highs and absent with all the lows.
2. You never know which version of the person you are going to get that day.
We all have good and bad days, but you should never wake up hoping that the person are with let’s it be a good one based on their terms. That, in itself, is a huge sign of manipulation. When, their mood can and will effect the outcome of your day. No one should have to roll the dice every morning not knowing how someone, who is supposed to love them, is going to feel like treating them that day.
3. Your decisions on what to wear, say, and do, rely solely on how you think they will react.
This is a very fine line to walk. When you are in a healthy relationship, you should be aware of your actions and choices and how it can affect the one you are with. You will absolutely need to make sacrifices to be with anyone, good or bad. However, this should be reciprocated. Meeting in the middle is a neccessary requirement to a mutal benefical relationship. The one sided control is the part that’s toxic. Their opinion matters and has a solid backing while yours is based off of ‘being too emotional’. Respect is supposed to be earned, not given. Yet we give so much weight to toxic people’s opinion when they have done nothing to deserve it.
4. The person exercises your need for them.
This is when they pull sympathy from you. They need you to feel sorry for them to keep you on their hook. They make you feel like you’re too good for them and the reason they are being this way is out of the fear of losing you. They make you need to need them. Usually this will be pulled on you right when you’re at the edge of coming up for air and realization is just around the corner. They know, that if you get just a little bit too much perspective, you will see the real person they are. So, instead of stopping what they are doing and letting you go, they pull on your weaknesses and make you feel the guilt they don’t want to feel themselves.
Passionate Relationships
- You argue, bicker, fight, and poke fun, but not with malice in your heart.
You will always fight. You will always disagree. They will hurt you. You will hurt them. You are both going to be passionate about your viewpoints and protecting your own well being, but not to the point of destroying the other persons self worth in the process to preserve your own.
2. When they say they won’t do it again, they mean it.
When you are in a healthy relationship, you are going to screw up. To ‘err’ is human, right? You will instinctively do things that satisfy and benefit your own needs or agenda, and this can end up hurting them if you are not careful enough. But, when you genuinely love the person and realize you actually caused them pain, you will do everything you can to avoid making them feel that way again.
3. They exercise responsive respect.
It is automatic to them to treat you with love and respect. They don’t have to actively pad you with a bunch of compliments and reassurance. When push comes to shove, their reaction is to care for your well being. Anyone trying to manipulate you will use their words to fit their own end game. Instead of it being a responsive instinct, it’s a calculated and strategic game they are playing. They shouldn’t need to compromise their self-respect to be with you, and you shouldn’t have to either.
4. On their worst days, they don’t need you to be miserable as well. They just need you.
You should be their comfort, and they should be yours. When life treats you badly, your significant other should be there to pick up the pieces and put you back together. They will do what they can to help and support your needs. You are never pulled down into their pit with them, you’re the helping hand to getting them out.
No matter what side of the coin you look at, it’s still a coin. Don’t spend any more time justifying your toxic relationship and find someone who loves you the way you will love them. Pain comes with life and the act of falling in love, but it doesn’t have to be, and shouldn’t ever be, painful to love someone.
